I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
