The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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