Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize