come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
