Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Help me help you realize you are a moron
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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