dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
