Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
