i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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