worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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