if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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