I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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