we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
