You're my little dorito
I puked a lego.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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