Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
