i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
