i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
