All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
