Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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