About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
