He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
