i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
