Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
