I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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