he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
