Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
