I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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