so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
