Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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