If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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