I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
