We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
