God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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