Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
