the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize