ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
