Who wears a wallet chain?!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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