You can't motorboat a personality
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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