I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize