I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize