just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
