I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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