if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
