I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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