My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we're making bets on your personal life
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I need water and some morals
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
