In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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