watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
