I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
