did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
