You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize