i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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