my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
