It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
