Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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