I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
