Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
