dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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