So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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