I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
