Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I want a musical about memes.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
