I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
