My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Farmville is her only friend.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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