Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize