Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
