I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
