Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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