I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
