I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
They took my balls.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
