Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
