on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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