So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
