You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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