my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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