Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
sarcasm needs its own font
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
